Pet Humor
Top 16 Signs Your Cat Is Overweight
- 16. Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- 15. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
- 14. Always lands on her spleen.
- 13. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
- 12. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
- 11. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- 10. Rosanne fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.
- 9. Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
- 8. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
- 7. It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
- 6. "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
- 5. Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
- 4. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
- 3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
- 2. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly
buffed.
- and The Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...
1. Has more chins than lives.
a dog and a cat?
A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and
says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my
having to do anything. They must be gods!"
A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and
says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water without my
having to do anything. I must be a god!"
Does Your Cat Own You?
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Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
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Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
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Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
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Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the
box with the scoop in your hand?
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Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks
the butter?
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Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
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Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move?
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Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
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Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
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Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
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Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
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Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in
the refrigerator?
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Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
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Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to
entertain your cat?
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Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing
rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or
come in?
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Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out
on a bad date?
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Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do
you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
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Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting
on Santa's lap? Does your cat sign the card?
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Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
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Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you
both watched the same commercial on television?
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Do you microwave your cat's food? Prepare it from scratch?
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Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you
won't disturb the sleeping cat?
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At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before
you pick out anything for yourself?
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Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
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Does your cat "insist" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an
omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
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Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them
out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters
claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet's pictures in
their wallets, by the way.)
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When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that
they say a few words to your cat as well?
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Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you
eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
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When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by
name, to them?
30 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG
1. No one expects you to take a bath every day.
2. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner or anything else for that matter.
3. When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
4. If it itches, you can reach it.
5. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in public.
6. It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a rerun.
7. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.
8. April 15 means nothing to you.
9. People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats.
10. Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.
11. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
12. No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking.
13. As an adult, it's OK if you haven't "amounted to anything" except being a dog.
14. The older you get, the more people respect you.
15. You can sleep late every day.
16. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
17. You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.
18. There's no such thing as bad food.
19. You don't have to worry about good table manners.
20. Someone else combs your hair.
21. People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window to feel the wind in your hair.
22. You're always excited to see the same old people.
23. Having big feet is considered an asset.
24. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
25. Everything smells good to you.
26. A garbage can is a fast-food stop.
27. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.
28. No matter where you live, you own the place.
29. Your mate never complains because you whine.
30. Puppy love can last.